What's In a Name?
by Awahili
Summary: Instructions on creating a new name for yourself leads the Dream Team to hysterics. When Dumbledore gets a hold of said instructions, pure chaos ensues. ENJOY!
1. What's in a Name?

Ok, I got this email instructing me how to make my new name.  It was so funny (mainly because our beloved prez's new name is Goober Chickenshorts) that I had to write a little ficlet.  Enjoy.

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"You know, you'd think that after six and a half years of potions, he'd lighten up a little!" Ron, now a towering 6' 3'' and spiked red hair, complained as he walked down the hall with his best friend, Harry Potter.  Harry had become to look more like his mother as he grew.  He still wore glasses, but his new sleek black frames went well with the red-streaked blackness on his head.  He was finally able to tame his hair, and now brushed it back off his face, showing the famous scar.

Hermione Granger, her brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, revealing an almost angelic-like face, jogged to catch up from saying goodbye to her boyfriend, Terry Boot.  She took her usual place between them and they continued to the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh come on Ron, this is Snape we're talking about," Harry laughed.  Ron reached around Hermione and clapped his friend on the shoulder.

"You'd think he'd go easy on you, at least.  You did save his life," Ron pointed out.  Harry rolled his eyes.

"No I didn't.  If the Headmaster hadn't shown, Voldemort would have killed us both."

"Yeah, but you told the Headmaster how to find you," Ron said, still trying to argue.  Hermione made a mock-frustrated noise, and the boys turned their attention to her.

"This is pointless.  The war's been over for more than a year, and you're still arguing.  Can't you just accept that perhaps Professor Snape is too set in his ways to change?  Or perhaps he just doesn't like you; that's not as far-fetched as you might believe."  Harry smiled and winked.

"Who couldn't love me?" he asked.  They both groaned as the portrait swung open at the password.

"What was that?" Hermione rounded on him.

"Hey, I'm Head Boy.  I can change the password if I want."  Ron mussed his hair, and Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You two are incorrigible," she said as she began to pull out her homework.

"Thank you," they chorused.  Harry set his bag down and was about to pull out his Transfiguration homework when Colin Creevey caught his eye from across the common room and beckoned him over.

"Hey Colin!  How are things going with Ginny?"  Colin smiled, his face red.

"Great Harry!  Look, my parents sent me this as sort of an April Fool's thing.  It's really funny."  Colin looked as if he might explode with laughter any second, so Harry took the parchment.  He scanned it, followed the instructions, and doubled over in laughter.  Hermione and Ron looked up, then at each other, shaking their heads.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Ron asked, walking over to help his friend to the couch.  Harry managed two words through his laughter.

"Loopy…Bubblesniffer!" He erupted again, and Colin joined him.  Ron looked at Hermione a little frightened.

"Herms, I think he's finally cracked!  He's gone nutters!"  Harry thrust the parchment into Ron's hand, and Ron began to read.  After a few seconds, his face became redder than it had ever been, and he joined Harry in volumes of laughter, clutching his side.

"Oh, go on!" Hermione flew over and snatched the parchment from Ron's hand, scanning the page for the joke.  "It can't be…that…funny…" All four of them collapsed on the floor, rolling around, faces red.

As soon as the laughter died down, Harry wiped the tears from his eyes.  "What were your names?" he asked his friends. Ron sniggered and coughed before regaining some composure.

"Zippy Girdlefanny," he replied, which sent them into more fits of laughter.  Hermione held up her hands, as if to say hers was by far better.

"Mine tops you all," she said, clearing her throat, "Loopy Gizzardchunks."  By this time, they had picked themselves up off the floor, but now they were right back down.  For hours, they sat in the common room, renaming everyone they could think of.

Harry slapped his hand on his knee.  "Voldemort's is Pinky Cootienose!"

"That's nothing Harry, McGonagall's is Zippy Gigglehiney!"

"Look!  My brother is Zippy Gizzardtush," Colin pointed out.  Several people approached them, wondering what was so bloody hilarious, and left with a new name and smiles on their faces.  Some asked for copies of the parchment, which they gladly gave.  They soon realized it was time for dinner, and they each took a copy of the parchment, ready to pass it around the school.

"Oh, this will cause an uproar," Harry chuckled as they walked to the Great Hall. 

"What will Harry?"

"Snape is Squeezit Rhinobiscuits," he whispered.  Ron snorted, causing him to stumble into a passing Hufflepuff.  They sat down and waited for the Headmaster to make his usual speech.  Dumbledore stood, smiling more than usual.  The other professors were a mixture of emotions.  A few, like McGonagall and Snape, looked less than happy, while Vector was trying not to smile.

"Ah, welcome to dinner.  As you know, tomorrow is April Fool's Day.  Now, a certain parchment has found its way into my hands, and just as a little joke, I am changing the names of the houses just for tomorrow."  Harry's eyes widened, and he turned to his friends.

"Please tell me he's not talking about what I think he's talking about."

Ron snickered, "From the look on Snape's face, I'd say that's a good bet, Harry."

"Now, Hufflepuff house, tomorrow, you shall be called Chickenbreath."  Chuckled and sniggers were heard from the Slytherin table.  The Gryffindors hid smiles, and the Ravenclaws looked confused.  "Ravenclaws, your new name for tomorrow is Appletush."  More laughter from the Slytherin table, but Harry shook his head.  Gryffindors, you shall be called Gizzardbreath."  Now the Slytherin table erupted in laughter, Draco Malfoy heading them all.

Harry poked Ron and Hermione, "Let's see how funny they think _their_ new name is."  Harry tucked the parchment back into his pocket and smiled.

"What do you mean Harry?" Ron asked.

"You'll see," was all he said as Dumbledore waited for the Slytherins to calm down.

"Slytherins, tomorrow, your house will go by Liversniffer."  The entire hall, minus one table, erupted into uncontrollable laughter.  Draco's face became red.

"I will not!" he yelled, "This is ludicrous!"  Ron grabbed his wadded up parchment from his pocket and scanned it briefly, before yelling out.

"Shut up Poopsie Applebreath!"  Hermoine fell off her seat, holding her side, but Harry just placed his head in his hands.  Tomorrow was going to be one weird day.

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Wow, was that totally insane.  Sorry, I'm a little hyper today.  I've just gotten a complete list of the Rickster's films, and am now proceeding to check off as I collect.  I have so got a long way to go.

My mom sent me these instructions for finding your new name, and I just _had_ to write a fic about it.  Sorry if it's not as funny as I thought; I have a twisted sense of humor.  If you want to know your new name, leave me the third letter of your first name, and the second and fourth letters of your last name, and I'll post another chapter periodically with the new names.

May Salazar Slytherin honor you,

Rickman's Girl


	2. New Names

I'm shocked so many people share my sense of humor.you should all run screaming to the hills.  
  
Black Rose - Your new name is Snotty Girdleface  
  
Kota Dawn - Your new name is Funky Gorillasniffer  
  
CJD - Your new name is Snotty Chickentush. Your sister's is Liver Chickentush  
  
Rubi Granger - Your new name is Lumpy Chickentush  
  
Leila Deadun - Wow, ok, here we go. Cheeseball Bubblebutt Goober Bubblebutt Loopy Bubblebutt Zippy Bubblebutt Poopsie Bubblebutt  
  
Dragonwolf - Your new name is Poopsie Bubblenose  
  
I'm going to try and update "Reflections" today. Wish me luck.  
  
May Salazar Slytherin honor you, Rickman's Girl 


	3. Instructions

What's your new name??? Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week,  
  
you need some silliness to break up the day.  
  
Here is your dose...  
  
Follow the instructions to find your new name.  
  
The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants  
  
and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil  
  
Professor forces everyone to assume new names...  
  
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first  
  
name:  
  
a = poopsie  
  
b = lumpy  
  
c = buttercup  
  
d = gidget  
  
e = crusty  
  
f = greasy  
  
g = fluffy  
  
h = cheeseball  
  
i = chim-chim  
  
j = stinky  
  
k = funky  
  
l = boobie  
  
m = pinky  
  
n = zippy  
  
o = goober  
  
p = doofus  
  
q = slimy  
  
r = loopy  
  
s = snotty  
  
t = tulefel  
  
u = dorkey  
  
v = squeezit  
  
w = oprah  
  
x = skipper  
  
y = dinky  
  
z = zsa-zsa  
  
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of  
  
your new last name:  
  
a = apple  
  
b = toilet  
  
c = giggle  
  
d = burger  
  
e = girdle  
  
f = barf  
  
g = lizard  
  
h = waffle  
  
i = cootie  
  
j = monkey  
  
k = potty  
  
l = liver  
  
m = banana  
  
n = rhino  
  
o = bubble  
  
p = hamster  
  
q = toad  
  
r = gizzard  
  
s = pizza  
  
t = gerbil  
  
u = chicken  
  
v = pickle  
  
w = chuckle  
  
x = tofu  
  
y = gorilla  
  
z = stinker  
  
3. Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of  
  
your new last name:  
  
a = head  
  
b = mouth  
  
c = face  
  
d = nose  
  
e = tush  
  
f = breath  
  
g = pants  
  
h = shorts  
  
i = lips  
  
j = honker  
  
k = butt  
  
l = brain  
  
m = tushie  
  
n = chunks  
  
o = hiney  
  
p = biscuits  
  
q = toes  
  
r = buns  
  
s = fanny  
  
t = sniffer  
  
u = sprinkles  
  
v = kisser  
  
w = squirt  
  
x = humperdinck  
  
y = brains  
  
z = juice  
  
For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.  
  
And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day,  
  
adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your life! 


End file.
